"It worked Tara, it actually worked. Why has no-one told me this before?". I will never forget this moment, when a colleague excitedly came to tell me that something she'd heard me say at training, had worked with her own daughter.
It was my favourite tip: Tell them what to do, instead of what not to do. Avoid negatives.
Sounds simple, right? Take a moment and think about all the times you've said one of these:
"don't run", "don't hit your sister", "don't do that", "stop that now", "you can't eat those", "no, no, no we don't bite"... and many, many more.
This colleague had heard me discuss this during training and decided to give it a go, and that night the perfect opportunity arose. When out a walk with her younger daughter (6), she ran away. After minutes of shouting "stop running, don't run", she remembered the advice and called for her daughter to "walk". She described it all happening in an instant, her daughter stopped running and walked the rest of the way.
So why did this work? There's a few reasons for it:
Negatives (don't , can't, not etc.) are some of the hardest concepts to learn and understand. It takes time and practice to develop this area of language. So it is possible, they are not understanding the "don't" part and whilst you say "don't run", they hear "run".
When we use negatives the sentences are often longer e.g. "do not open that door" so children may only hear or remember the last part "open the door".
Often when someone tells us what not to do e.g. don't run, our mind pictures ourselves running and then stopping. So our mind has shown us a visual of us running.
It's hard to think of what to do instead. Thinking skills are complex and the ability to think about what to do instead can be hard for some young people.
They start to focus on what you have asked them not to do. Which means they are now spending all their time thinking about it! (Can you remember a time when someone said "don't say XX" and you spent the whole time thinking exactly what not to say, so you just didn't say anything at all or you ended up "slipping up"?).
So with all of the above, then the mind is now spending the whole time focused on the one thing that they are not supposed to be doing; if they even understood the negative in the first place. This means they now have a large thought about the exact thing you have told them not to do, making it all the more likely to happen!.
I recommend that you come up with a list of all the things that you are frequently asking your child not to do and then find what you can tell them to do instead.
Example: Don't run - walk, Don't shout- talk quietly / indoor voice. etc.
Speech and language therapy can help children, young people and young adults understand negatives, develop thinking skills and the ability to plan.
P.s. this is why if an adult is hanging on the edge of a cliff, you should tell them to "hold on tight" rather than shouting "don't let go". Help their mind think of what you need them to do and create a positive image or thought.
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